When Did It Start....


Receiving his attention was like a breath of fresh air. I have never or never will feel so “dream like” again. The sudden attraction overwhelmed me, I could not stop thinking about him, caring about him, wanting HIM. He was my friend’s friend, then my friend, then my best friend, then much more. Gorgeous, inside and out, made me quickly fall in love with him and him with me. I thought to myself, how I could not? He was perfect, WE were perfect. My left lung, without him I could not breathe. Then, the jealousy arose.

Who is that? Why are you friends with them? Who is texting you? Passwords? Do not talk to them! Facebook? DELETE IT! You are not aloud to go there.. at least not without me. Why are you looking at them? What did you do with them?

I never saw this side of him, was it a phase? No. But blinded by love and lust, I began to believe this was normal. So, I answered every question and took every action like I was told.When I obeyed his demands, he became is sweet, loving self again.. with one exception: I was JUST his. Even though others began to worry and begged me to leave, I distanced myself and quickly changed who I was to maintain the happiness with "the one."

Then, the public shaming began. He took something from me so visually personal and posted it for the world to see over a small fight. So embarrassing that I cannot write it out. And  EVERYONE saw but NO ONE knew.

The abuse worsened. Broken windows, cheating, text messaging threats, the suicide attempts. Without holding back, the break up was made but missing him uncontrollably was making me question my decision. Eventually, I was willing to do anything for him to come back. To come back to me, to us, to come back and be himself again. Wanting to die every lonely drive home. Almost believing that living without him was impossible and that since he was gone, I was gone. No one would care. Fighting each and every night with myself. Do not text him, DO NOT text him.

I texted him.

The disapproval from others began setting in. The judgement of my own self caused hate I could feel without words, all because I went back to him. How could you? Do you even realize what he did to you? That is not NORMAL. Somehow, I was content with just that. I do not WANT to be normal. The words “I’m sorry I drank too much or I do not remember I was really drunk” “it will never happen again”  were really MY fault. I’m not innocent. I’m not an angel. He is angry because of me. His temper is my fault, I’m wrong. I deserve the distrust and the yelling. I deserve to be talked to like that, he deserves to be mad because I’m no better than him.

And then, everything I did I had to watch my back, I started to fear “if I do this” I’ll get in trouble. He will kill me. Well, that night had come. He unleashed his anger PHYSICALLY. The day it all happens for us. We think THAT could never happen. Well, it does.

I remember that night vividly. The seconds between breaths, the smell in the air, the sounds surrounding us. As his second blow met my face, I remember thinking, “how did we get here”. While falling to the ground, dropping all that was in my hands, I remember the pain and regret. The confusion that set in. First instinctively thinking to myself, what did I do? What did I do wrong? How could I do this to him? How could I be so selfish to set him off like that? Were done, and it is all my fault. Now believing I rather die than live. I do not deserve to live anymore, in fact, I cannot live anymore.

But, I am alive to tell this tale. Although it took me years and a shared child later (who I will never regret), I realized this is not me. Nonetheless, I will admit that I will always love him but it is not worth THAT fight. Real love is kind, real love is not obsessive, real love does not get jealous, real love uses their hands to hold, their words to speak love and their hearts to share. Blame does not matter, life does.