Out of My Mind

Today I feel broken. I was asked to do something that would literally make me run my head into the wall. Imagining that feeling of release would feel better than what I was asked to do. As I lay on my bed, I imagine how nice it would feel to cut myself- to feel some kind of pain that would take away my anxiety at the moment.

This medicine is supposed to make me feel better. The therapist is supposed to make me feel better. The people in my life are supposed to make me feel better- but they don’t. It’s funny that the two things I have to pay for are the ones that make me feel better. I guess that is how life works.

My energy level was productive when I woke up this morning - then I got that phone call, and now I am in bed. I don’t want to get up. It’s raining now, but I find that comforting. I have always liked the rain. I like watching the drops on my window slowly float down and wash away the dirt. The past couple weeks I have been searching for ways to delete myself entirely from the internet. You would think that someone would have figured out an easier way to do it, other than going to every single shopping website or social media network and manually deleting each account.

I think I will keep looking though. I would love to disappear. The thought of that is incredibly calming.

I don’t want to have to tell people I am dealing with major depression in order to get understanding for the way I act. I don’t want to tell people it is incredibly disabling and will make me want to stay in bed for days.

But what do I do? Continue to lose people from my life? Maybe I am better off. I think I am. I would rather lose people than continue to hide myself. My face is tired of smiling to make everyone happy, and my brain is tired of being lectured on the proper way to act towards people.

This is a small part of me. It doesn’t make up the whole of who I am. I just have to keep telling myself that.

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 Written by Anonymous