I want to, but can't

Lagger. Flake. Stranger.

Three names that have become all too common in my world.  I don’t blame my friends though, I lag on making plans; I flake out last minute; and I become a stranger after weeks of no communication. I know that I may seem like a horrible person, but I don’t just cancel because I feel like it. When I say I can’t go out, it really means that I can’t leave my house. When I say that I don’t feel well, it means that I am having a full-blown panic attack. But to be honest, it’s so much easier to tell a friend that “something came up” instead of admitting to my anxiety. Because once you tell them the truth, they start to worry, ask questions and maybe even think differently about you.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have never lost certain friends if I would just told them the truth instead of making up lame excuses every time. Around this time last year,  I lost a close friend who would hit me up almost every week for dinner. Every time I would get a text from her, I would think, “Damn, what excuse am I going to make up this time?” It’s not that I didn’t want to hang out with her - on the contrary, I loved spending time together and I considered her one of my best friends. It just so happened that she would text me during nights when I would experience pretty dark moments.

Moments that would make me a prisoner in my own room, when my emotions made my body tremble and tears would run down my face until I fell asleep.

How was I supposed to go out when I couldn’t even get myself out of bed? I would respond to her invite with something like “I'm working late tonight” or “My car won’t turn on.” She would always respond with a smart remark about me canceling all the time and it made me feel 10 times worse about myself.

As hurtful as it was to bail and lie, I couldn’t bare the thought of admitting to my depression and anxiety.

I use to think that it would be easier for my friend to leave than to deal with someone who isn’t even capable of going out for a casual dinner.

I knew our friendship was over when she gave up on making dinner plans, even after I finally told her that I had “a lot going on.” She told me that she didn’t like waiting for me and made it seem like she didn’t care about understanding my situation. Looking back, I wonder if our friendship would have improved if she would have just been more understanding of me canceling plans. I know that it's partially my fault for not opening up, but if she would have responded differently, maybe it would have made me feel more comfortable to open up to her.

Losing this friendship was painful, but at the end of the day, I learned that the most important friendships are with the people that will never give up on you. Most importantly, I learned how to respond to a friend if they cancel plans.

Written by Lidcey Munoz

Lidcey is a 24 year old Mental Health Advocate and new to the blogging world. She shares her experiences as a child in hopes of spreading awareness to parents and anyone who may feel alone. Aside from advocacy, Lidcey is passionate about her culture, faith, family, and fitness.
You can read more about Lidcey at her blog and find her chirping on twitter.